People Suck!!!!

Alright so not all people suck but there are definitley quite a few that do. One in particular is rather funny and upsetting becuase she just has no clue to the fact of her being a total bitch. I mean she just doesn't even seem to grasp how much of a bitch she is. I really wonder at the sanity of this person, as there is no concept of reality at all. Though it is pretty easy to understand what to do about said person, and the skin has been built up so no she cannot get through, but at the same time there was so much hope for this person, or at least until now. I mean it is almost as if someone just opened my eyes for no reason to this. I have fought long and hard for this person, with no thanks at all (not that I ever expected to get any) and now it is done. I am through with this. Funny enough it really seems like this is the first step that I have taken in a long time in the right direction. I am tired of moving though that might be over here soon. Back to Yak, though it will be better this time around for sure. I have really missed everyone that is gone right now but those are the breaks we have. Just found out that I am going to be in Seattle for Valentine's Day to be at my cousin Mike's wedding. This should be interesting. I am sorry for being out of contact with everyone, but between taking care of the family, moving, school and trying to improve my life in some regard I just have had no time. Though no phone or internet at the place that I am living at right now makes it hard too ;) . Yes, I forgive those that call so early in the day and you know who you are. Though it has been really nice to hear those voices in the am.

Anger

All that I seem to be feeling lately is a system of angerr. The only times that I have been able to not feel that way is when I have been helping people. I guess that it leads me to believe that this is my only real path in life. To be honest it seems like that is the only joy that I am able to find in life. I just wish that I could find a happiness in life that is not based upon anyone else in this world. I mean so much of what I want in life is truly based upon other people. Ya know that feeling of being with someone, the feeling that someone cares about me more than anyone else on an equal level. It's not that I know that I am not special, but rather it is simply that I am unique. I realize this more and more that honestly there is no one in the world who is like me. That kinda just makes me just feel alone. The lack of anyone finding me "special" just saddens me. So anger fills me all of the time. But more and more I guess that I just realize that I will forever simply remain alone. Meh, I guess that it just isn't importnat any more and I should just stop bitching and whining. After all its all that I do, or at least all that I can do well.

Family and anger

No those are not the two things that I am associating but rather I have family up for the weekend and that will be interesting. But I am finding that I have a real problem lately with my anger issue. I mean I am in control of it but that I am getting waaay too angry at things when I shouldn't be needing to. I don't know about that but I just want something good to happen. I know that we have to look for the little things that happen in life and those are the things that are most important to us all but at the same time I really wish that I could have something big and unexpected happen. But then again if I am waiting for them all the time then it never will. I guess that I am just dearing myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I really don't think that anyone else will havev me or rather deserves the torture of having me the rest of their lives. But alas I am finding that helping people is again the bane and savior of my existence. I am able to lose all of my problems in those peoples lives. But it adds more stress. Alas who knows. But I miss everyone that is away right now soooo much. Honestly lately it feels like I have no friends here, though I know that is true it is more that I am honestly afraid to let them get close, or they really don't want to. Who knows.

Funny things

So lately there are just so many different things that seem to be just too funny to me. In a sort of ironic never thought that life would turn out that way sort of deal. Well not necessarily ironic but more to the murphy's law perspective. I guess that each day it seems that I find myself more and more alone here in this town. I know that is not the truth but I guess that it just seems like there are fewer and fewer people out there who really care. I thought for sure that one person in particular would not "stab" me in the back only to find that she carries the largest knife of all. I mean it is understandable to a certain degree when people mess around with my feelings and emotions. That happens to everyone at some point and time something that we are all familiar with. But to screw someone over on a factor of their life, not just there emotions but their very livlihood. How does one come to forgive that? Can it be forgiven? There are just so many questions in that regard. Another ponderment coming to mind is what to do about my living situation. I mean its a totally nice place, but one that I will admit is more suited to a quiet lifestyle than anything else. But it is another things to have to move yet again and this is something that I am not looking forward to. Who knows really. It seems that the social life is slowly but surely coming forward. But its a hard thing to party at all when one cannot party at all. The coumadin that I am on means no drinking at all. But another thing that comes to mind is that alot of people seem to hve an issue with a seperation of personae when it comes to me. Ok this is kind of what that means. I am completly capable of seperating the different roles that I may play with other people. I can love someone in more than one fashion without those different types "meshing" into one another. I guess that after so much happening in my life and with other peoples you learn to accept what it is that life is giving you and appreciate it without looking for the loopholes. But I often have too many doubts about people's sincerety. I mean I have a hard time wondering if people are doing anything nice for me without looking to see what they want from me. It's not that it has been so long in my life for someone to commit a selfless act towards me but I guess that it seems that so much has happened since then that it seems so long. Though my family has truly been stepping up to the plate and helping out so much. I mean they really have been helping me in so many different ways. On that not I am still not working. Though the brace is off and the crutch is almost gone. Blood has been stabilized so hopefully the road to recovery is going well. But if guess that its just that I am so lonely lately. I know that is seems that I hole up here but in so many different ways what else am I do to? I can't afford to go anywhere really. I find myself growing shy, yes shy around people that I don't know and I guess that I have lost that center spot inside. That point of balance just always seems to be out of sync anymore. But things seem to be moving, though what direction changes from day to day I think.

Questions

So I ponder many things all of the time. But lately it has been of a different sort I guess. I am wondering what it is that makes friends friends. It should be a 50/50 deal shouldn't it? Or even to go so far as to say that you can love someone no matter what. But how much can one person really take? To honestly search for those people who will give something back to another, or that will go that extra mile for someone at no cost or expense to themselves is a hard thing. Most people who say that they care, or that they are your friend are willing, just so long as it is not an inconvience to them. However, there are those out there who are willing to help people out it just seems so rare. But what is a friend really worth to most people? There are many people out there who would say that they would do anything for a friend, but when push comes to shove they well push the friend out of the picture. There are those people out there who seem to be nothing but friends to people as well. These always seem to be the ones that are walked upon at the drop of a hat as well. There are many people who bond very deep with others, yet that is never really returned to them. It is all good and well to speak of love, but it seems that it is all dust in the wind. So who really seems to care about another? This is a source of trial and error it seems but heartache is so hard to deal with. This leads to the next question of why it is that people lie about their feelings for others? There are so many out there who simply talk the talk, but lack anything of substance. They seem to have this ideal of a person and if the reality and the dream conflict then that person is shoved aside. Is the illusion, the perception of a dream so strong that when a little reality rears its face then the whole of the feeling is shattered? Questions upon questions. The only truth seems to be that one has to depend upon oneself.
A life of constant dissappointment and loss. To deal with the forever loosing of love, friendship, and companionship is a hard thing. Granted we can change these things, this is something that I myself am trying to do now. Placing faith in others almost seems to be a folly now. There just seems to be so few out there that are really worthy of that faith. That ultimate trust. People are so quick to dismiss others when it becomes convient for them. They come across an obstacle with someone and they quickly give up. Is that really the strength of their caring, of their love? Question upon questions.

Oddities and Some Realizations

You know it seems like I only really post when there are things that are bothering me. I mean to the point where my universe seems the darkest. I guess that I find venting about it seems to help a little. Who knows. I guess that one of the odd questions running through my mind is why is it that most women are born liars? I mean sure there are those that are true to their words but for the better part it seems like women play the opposite game all of the time. One minute they are saying that they would like a sensitive, intelligent, caring, nurturing guy (which in what my ego will allow I would say that I am) but in the next moment they are looking for the person that is gonna hurt them the most? Truly there is no consistancy to this thought. I realize that attraction has no rules, after all I myself am attracted to a wide variety of women on this planet for various reasons. The intelligent woman is attractive, one with a good heart and soul is another attraction, wonderous personality. In fact the one thing that does not rule the attraction for me is the one thing that men are supposed to be notorious about, the looks. Yes an attractive women is nice, but aren't most people attractive on some level? I mean there are those people whose very heart and soul come out in the way that they look and that in its own right is wonderous. A woman who looks good but that is either petty, or stupid (I mean really dumb, not just slow) is just not attractive to me at all. Women claim that this is true for them too. LIARS!!!!!! Or at least for the better part. While on that particular subject, how is it that people can still have feelings for those that treated them bad? I mean strong ones. Yes in the past there have been women who have done me wrong, but the affection that I have for them is that for a friend, or the rememberance of the good times. But in no way do I feel compelled to return to them at all. I guess that this is just something that I am never going to understand at all.
Also I wonder about myself these days. Why is it that I feel compelled to help people? I mean to listen to their problems, and maybe if I don't have the answer, guide them to it. Ok, for those that don't understand why this is a hard thing for me (the listening of problems) I honestly try to take those problems into my own heart and soul. I make my mind, body, heart and soul the battlefield. In many cases I draw upon my experiences to deal with them. Having to relive events and the like. But I guess that the saying, "With power comes responsibility, the greater the power the greater the responsibilty." This is one of the guiding principles of my life. Another is that golden rule, "Do on to others as you would have done onto you." I don't expect anything from anyone when I help them. However, there are alot of people who just come and vent or have me help in dealing with these problems, only to leave me high and dry when things go bad for me. They only seem to be concerned about themselves and that is just not right. People, listen, no matter how bad your life is there are always those that you love out there with problems that need help. Those problems may not be as bad as what you are going through but in truth perspective is the key. How we percieve our problems is the real degree of the "badness" of those problems. Granted I am just as guilty of blowing my problems out of proportion, but in honesty that is usually when I have nothing left inside of me. So after being used all of the time (or in many cases that is the way that it seems) I guess I wonder what leads me in that trap to begin with. Just that feeling of being unappreciated is a hard thing to deal with ya know?
Another question that I really ponder is why is it that I feel so alone all of the time? I mean there are times where I really feel like I am alone in the universe. Not neccessarily that I am unloved or the like. But more along the lines that no matter how much someone cares, I cannot share my life with them. I guess that part of that is the whole problem that I have with physical contact. Reminder to people, I really have no bubble at all. Honestly I can tell you that the only times that I have connected with someone, I mean really connected to the point that I didn't feel alone in the world, were those moments of intimate contact with another. (Note I said intimate not sexual). Anymore I don't even remember what it is like to have another human being touch me save in that hitting, slapping, or quick hug manner. So the next question that comes to mind is why do I have this problem?
Another thing that I am noticing is the difference in those that I have called friends. I mean for the better part (not entirely) those friends that I have had from high school are my aquantences. Those that I have met in college really seem to be my better friends. They are the ones that seem to care. Unfortunatly save two people, all of those closest friends are the ones that are gone away. Again I guess that I wonder why it is that I feel the way that I do.
All of these questions and feelings are driving me mad. Or to be honest (and this is worse) they are making me fill with anger. I mean there are so many times out there that I have dotted my i's and really tried to make sure that I have done everything that I can, only to be shortchanged. Ahhh, well only time can tell.

Tammie's Post

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This is Tammie's first post and picture!

Depression and anger

Not that I really expect anyone to read this but I guess that I am hoping it will go towards relieving the problems. I am going through a small stage of depression and anger right now. The anger is well pretty much directed at one person in particular. I mean this is beyond the normal anger that I feel, beyond that frustration at a person or situation. Its more along the lines of pure loathing. Its the actions of that person that are making me feel this way. The depression is from the feeling that people are using me. This isn't a problem that is localized to one or two people, but rather it's a matter of it being everyone but one or two people. I guess that it seems that I am just a means to an end. I really want to help everyone and anyone that I can but thats all that I seem to see of anyone or hear from them. Like a rainstorm, you know it comes rains and then it is gone. I know that I am someone who needs the alone time, but I guess that alot of that is because I honestly feel that people don't want me around. Or in some regard it might also seem like I don't want to see people. Meaning that I do know alot of people and if I were to allot say 3 hours per person per week and include work and school than I have no time at all. Who knows but it does feel good to get it off of the chest at least.