Funny things

So lately there are just so many different things that seem to be just too funny to me. In a sort of ironic never thought that life would turn out that way sort of deal. Well not necessarily ironic but more to the murphy's law perspective. I guess that each day it seems that I find myself more and more alone here in this town. I know that is not the truth but I guess that it just seems like there are fewer and fewer people out there who really care. I thought for sure that one person in particular would not "stab" me in the back only to find that she carries the largest knife of all. I mean it is understandable to a certain degree when people mess around with my feelings and emotions. That happens to everyone at some point and time something that we are all familiar with. But to screw someone over on a factor of their life, not just there emotions but their very livlihood. How does one come to forgive that? Can it be forgiven? There are just so many questions in that regard. Another ponderment coming to mind is what to do about my living situation. I mean its a totally nice place, but one that I will admit is more suited to a quiet lifestyle than anything else. But it is another things to have to move yet again and this is something that I am not looking forward to. Who knows really. It seems that the social life is slowly but surely coming forward. But its a hard thing to party at all when one cannot party at all. The coumadin that I am on means no drinking at all. But another thing that comes to mind is that alot of people seem to hve an issue with a seperation of personae when it comes to me. Ok this is kind of what that means. I am completly capable of seperating the different roles that I may play with other people. I can love someone in more than one fashion without those different types "meshing" into one another. I guess that after so much happening in my life and with other peoples you learn to accept what it is that life is giving you and appreciate it without looking for the loopholes. But I often have too many doubts about people's sincerety. I mean I have a hard time wondering if people are doing anything nice for me without looking to see what they want from me. It's not that it has been so long in my life for someone to commit a selfless act towards me but I guess that it seems that so much has happened since then that it seems so long. Though my family has truly been stepping up to the plate and helping out so much. I mean they really have been helping me in so many different ways. On that not I am still not working. Though the brace is off and the crutch is almost gone. Blood has been stabilized so hopefully the road to recovery is going well. But if guess that its just that I am so lonely lately. I know that is seems that I hole up here but in so many different ways what else am I do to? I can't afford to go anywhere really. I find myself growing shy, yes shy around people that I don't know and I guess that I have lost that center spot inside. That point of balance just always seems to be out of sync anymore. But things seem to be moving, though what direction changes from day to day I think.

Questions

So I ponder many things all of the time. But lately it has been of a different sort I guess. I am wondering what it is that makes friends friends. It should be a 50/50 deal shouldn't it? Or even to go so far as to say that you can love someone no matter what. But how much can one person really take? To honestly search for those people who will give something back to another, or that will go that extra mile for someone at no cost or expense to themselves is a hard thing. Most people who say that they care, or that they are your friend are willing, just so long as it is not an inconvience to them. However, there are those out there who are willing to help people out it just seems so rare. But what is a friend really worth to most people? There are many people out there who would say that they would do anything for a friend, but when push comes to shove they well push the friend out of the picture. There are those people out there who seem to be nothing but friends to people as well. These always seem to be the ones that are walked upon at the drop of a hat as well. There are many people who bond very deep with others, yet that is never really returned to them. It is all good and well to speak of love, but it seems that it is all dust in the wind. So who really seems to care about another? This is a source of trial and error it seems but heartache is so hard to deal with. This leads to the next question of why it is that people lie about their feelings for others? There are so many out there who simply talk the talk, but lack anything of substance. They seem to have this ideal of a person and if the reality and the dream conflict then that person is shoved aside. Is the illusion, the perception of a dream so strong that when a little reality rears its face then the whole of the feeling is shattered? Questions upon questions. The only truth seems to be that one has to depend upon oneself.
A life of constant dissappointment and loss. To deal with the forever loosing of love, friendship, and companionship is a hard thing. Granted we can change these things, this is something that I myself am trying to do now. Placing faith in others almost seems to be a folly now. There just seems to be so few out there that are really worthy of that faith. That ultimate trust. People are so quick to dismiss others when it becomes convient for them. They come across an obstacle with someone and they quickly give up. Is that really the strength of their caring, of their love? Question upon questions.